ON FORUMITES

In a hole in the ground there lived forumites. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole (though
sometimes filled with old pizza boxes and an oozy smell) nor yet a dry, bare sandy hole
with nothing in it to read or to eat. It was the Science Fiction Forum, and that means
comfort.

It had a perfectly ordinary door, with a starship and Sun painted in bright colors, and a
simple knob and lock (not an electric one). The door opened on to a lounge, a very
comfortable lounge without smoke or old beer bottles, and lots and lots of comfy couches
- the forumites were fond of visitors. The room ran deep underneath the building -
Harriman Hall - as all the people for miles around knew it. The rear of the room was filled
to the rafters with books: science fiction, science fact and fantasy! The place has a certain
charm and magic to it - legends say it is invisible to all but those who need to find it.

What is a forumite you ask? I suppose forumites need some description, since they are
rare during the daytime (forumites are nocturnal). The are an eclectic lot, known for their
high IQs and low GPAs. Someare taller, others are shorter than the bearded
Magic Card players and Gamers. There is little or no magic about them except
the ordinary everyday sort which invariably gets them into trouble (they are fond 
of tunnels and roof-tops).

The forumites had lived in Stony Brook for time out of mind, and people did not consider
them very respectable. Not only because they never had any money, but also because
they were always off on some damnfool adventure (and rarely knew where they were
going). And you could always tell what a forumite would say on any question without 
the bother of asking. The answer invariably was a non-sequitor or some line from an 
obscure sci-fi flick.

They are a boisterous, noisy bunch and can often be heard blundering along in the 
middle of the night making a noise like elephants which can be heard a mile off. They are
inclined to be fat in the stomach; they dress in bright garish colors; and some wear 
no shoes because their feet grow thick brown hair. They have good-natured faces
and deep throaty laughs (especially after dinner, which they have twice or even three 
times a day when they can get it). They are very fond of food - if you should dine with one,
keep your hands away from his mouth (especially when Chinese food is involved).

--Kevin Conod
  1996